Assertive Doesn't Mean Being an 🍑ss

I've been thinking a lot about the 15 competencies that underpin Emotional Intelligence (EQ) and I think assertiveness is one of the most misunderstood. It gets a bad wrap but really it's vital.

Defining Assertiveness:

Assertive is:

• Knowing what's important to communicate.

• Saying it in a way that clearly expresses what's important about this matter for yourself.

• Not an attack; it can be sharing, defending, or setting a boundary for yourself but in a way that does not intentionally hurt or hand off an emotional wake to others.

Examples: Assertive is when you confidently and respectfully decline a task, push back, or say no when the project is out of your scope or workload capacity. Assertive can mean expressing disagreement when your POV adds value to the conversation. It can mean giving constructive feedback, even when it’s challenging.

Assertive vs. Aggressive:

People often confuse assertive with aggressive.

Consider a person who loudly yells and berates an innocent customer service member when returning an item to the service counter: this person is being aggressive — communicating in an offensive, destructive manner that does not show empathy towards others. Assertive, on the other hand, is communicating beliefs openly in a socially acceptable, non-offensive, and non-destructive manner. 

It's common to feel that voicing reasonable thoughts, desires, or feelings *feels* selfish when it isn't.

In fact, NOT expressing your thoughts and letting resentment, anger, and other negative emotions fester is a way of being passive that does harm when the feelings finally come to light. 

The Communication Style Matrix:

To round out the Communication Style Matrix, passive-aggressive is when a person use passive tactics to intentionally undermine someone or something. For instance, imagine a person who enthusiastically accepts a project that they think is a waste of time yet instead of voicing their thoughts (the passive part) they don't take the project seriously and therefore don't spend the required effort on it, sabotaging it (the aggressive part.)

See image to further illustrate these four styles.

Assertiveness is Essential

Assertiveness is a valuable tool for personal and professional growth. It empowers us to navigate complex emotional landscapes, connect more profoundly with others, and build healthier relationships.

So, the next time you find yourself hesitating to be assertive, remember first of all that you’re not alone - assertive communication is one of the most frequent leadership coaching topics!

And, that it's not about being an 🍑ss; it's about effective and empathetic communication—a cornerstone of Emotional Intelligence.