Stop Arguing Already: Strategies for Productive Disagreement
After a recent group session, a client asked how to have a productive conversation with someone they disagreed with. For instance, how to speak with that relative about their wackadoo political views. (See, judgment abounds!)
And it got me thinking about how our minds work. More specifically, how we’re sometimes adamantly convinced our perception of a situation is correct. When two people find it hard to see beyond their judgments, they can run into a conversational and sometimes relational impasse. We all know the resulting frustration and potential resentment that brews during these impossible conversations. Neither party feels heard, nor leaves satisfied. Lose-lose.
In exploring what it means to judge, and what it means to see beyond our understanding of right and wrong, I invite that you suspend your own judgment and hold the possibility that there is no universal good/bad, right/wrong. In this email, I will share insights, stories, and tips to help you understand what it means to be judgmental, and how instituting non-judgmental thinking as a practice can help you communicate more effectively, sustain mature and healthy relationships, and stop arguing already.
Speaking From Experience…. I Had to Call A Truce Over Tomato Sandwiches
I’m lucky to be part of a close-knit, if geographically dispersed, family. However, close ties don't always equate to harmonious agreement. Over the past year, I've engaged in several heated conversations with my sister on political issues.
One such debate unfolded in her kitchen late last summer while savoring the last of her backyard-ripened tomatoes. Our topic of contention? Student loan forgiveness. We were basically talking at each other, dismissing each other’s claims and experiences as ill-advised or just plain wrong. Our mom finally interfered with the age-old adage, “agree to disagree,” and with that, we called it a truce. Everyone returned to their tomato-mayo sammies.
Despite the truce, the argument went on in my head. I kept replaying her comments, thinking over my responses, and considering how I could have explained my side differently to “win.” Even now I can’t help but feel a little like I’m right and she’s wrong. But how helpful is this dualistic POV? Not very. It’s a drain on myself, my relationship with my sister, and my family. Moving forward, I need to figure out how to have more productive conversations with her.
Judgment as a Fact of Life
We all navigate the world with our individual biases. Our opinions draw upon our life experiences, which will always be uniquely our own. Sometimes our opinions jive with the people around us, but other times they do not. It’s not always possible to remove ourselves from interactions with people we disagree with, nor should we, so learning how to communicate with them productively would be useful. Judgment can get in the way because differences in opinions, values, behaviors, etc, override our overall ability to consider differing perspectives and perceptions.
Two Forms of Judgement
Let’s first dig into the idea that judgments come in two forms, discriminative and evaluative.
Discriminative judgments express personal preferences or differences without making an absolute claim or conclusion. For example, stating “I prefer the beach over the mountains.” Discriminative judgments tend to be conversationally benign and unharmful.
Whereas, evaluative judgments express personal preferences or differences as objective truths, suggesting a more definitive or moral stance for a subjective concept. For instance, “People who love mountains over the beach are dumb or wrong.” Since evaluative judgments often use terms like good, bad, right, wrong, they leave little room for other viewpoints. These can be harmful.
Thinking Beyond the Binary: Non-Duality and Dialectics
I know the terms “non-duality” and “dialectics” can come across as incredibly nerdy 🤓, but bear with me, as seeing beyond our own viewpoints requires a broadened way of thinking. If we stay with the idea that there is no universal good/bad, right/wrong, we run into the concept of non-duality, a philosophical and spiritual concept that suggests there are no fundamental dualities or separations in the universe.
Non-duality represents a perspective that transcends the usual distinctions we make between self and other, subject and object, or mind and matter, emphasizing the interconnectedness and unity of all things. In the context of avoiding judgment, non-duality encourages people to see the world and themselves as interconnected and complex, rather than categorizing things into binary judgments like "good" or "bad," "right" or "wrong." Embracing non-duality means recognizing the shades of gray and nuances in life, which can reduce the tendency to form rigid judgments.
Another way to understand or achieve non-duality is by dialectical thinking or paradoxical thinking. This is about changing our thought process to understand the world beyond our personal perspective and expand our viewpoint to see things from multiple perspectives. Dialectical thinking recognizes that everything has an opposite, and to best understand a situation one needs to fully embrace the spectrum of possibilities in life, up to and including the opposite of our own perception.
A Better Way to Disagree
Reflecting on my conversation with my sister about student loan forgiveness, it's apparent that while we both prioritize addressing rising education costs, we differ on the quality and sustainability of student loan forgiveness as a solution. Despite our initial disagreement, we share more common ground than it seems.
To enhance our dialogue, the focus should be on understanding each other's views and fostering hope for mutual understanding (although ultimately, the other person's choices are out of our control.) This involves articulating our viewpoints while leaving space for differing perspectives and (sincerely!) committing to judgment-free comprehension.
Approach the conversation with curiosity about the underlying values shaping the other's perspective, explore shared and unique life experiences, and acknowledge the reasonableness of standpoints that might differ from our own.
By transcending the binary of right and wrong, we can navigate past the anger and frustration, fostering an environment where we see the person beyond their opinion. It's about understanding how individuals think and creating room for the person, not just their stance. This shift allows for more constructive and empathetic conversations, promoting understanding and connection.
Helpful Advice for Recognizing Your Way is Not the Only Path
“We can never judge the lives of others because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path but it’s another to think that yours is the only path.” - Paulo Coelho
To start…
Recognize signs and indicators of judgmental statements in your thought process and verbal encounters. For instance, binary statements (wrong/right, best/worst, good/bad) impose evaluative judgments. Notice if you find yourself thinking or using these or similar words.
Take ownership of your opinions using “I statements”. Notice the difference between, “You are wrong” v “I see it differently” or “This is bad” v “I prefer X over Y.”
Observe and Describe: Practice observing and describing events without adding subjective opinions. (Note: this is very difficult to do!) Stick to observable facts, such as what can be seen and heard, without adding an evaluative judgment. For example, instead of saying, "They were rude," you could say, "They raised their voice and interrupted the speaker." This trick proves particularly useful when giving feedback at work.
Take on a beginner's mind or an upside-down perspective to challenge judgments. For example, if you usually judge someone based on their appearance or first impression, an upside-down perspective might involve intentionally trying to see that person from a different viewpoint, understanding their background, or considering their experiences before forming a judgment.
Moving Beyond Judgements for a Happier Life
As individuals, our preferences inevitably carry a sense of factual truth for us. Yet, the practice of resisting judgment requires acknowledging our inherent biases and refraining from imposing them on others. Embracing the idea that there are multiple valid perspectives challenges the notion that our viewpoint is the sole correct one.
Throughout our lives, we will need to live and work with people we disagree with. When we hold our judgments tightly, we leave little room for constructive debates and compromise. Judgments set up boundaries and heighten the risk of alienation. It’s not easy to let go of judgments, they’re drilled into us at every turn, but understanding their existence and understanding why they pose a threat allows us to move beyond them for the sake of resolution and a happier, more peaceful life.
