When the Golden Rule Isn’t Solid Gold… and What to Use Instead
A young client shared with me a realization she had recently that's no-duh simple yet profound and probably profoundly underemployed - people are different and they like and want different things.
And yet, a lot of credit seems to go to The Golden Rule, "do unto others as you would have done unto you."
Don’t get me wrong, high-level the golden rule is a helpful guideline, especially when specific data is not applicable or available, such as with a group or when meeting someone for the first time.
But here’s my hot take: the golden rule isn’t golden when it comes to 1:1 relationships.
Why?
Under these circumstances, what happens if you, say, throw out all the expired foods in your MIL's fridge?Perhaps you did so because you're botulism-phobic or have a minimalist approach to refrigeration but regardless that's what you'd want done unto you. But the person whose fridge it is is old school and believes that gherkins never expire?
Now you are actually in a pickle. (True story, btw.)
Here's why I think the golden rule needs an update:
In application, the golden rule requires no empathy whatsoever. One only needs to think about how they themselves like to be treated, and then do unto others the same. You don’t need to consider someone else’s perspective to follow the rule. And even my undergrad client knows, people are different.
The Golden Rule circumvents the #1 thing we are NOT taught in school (according to me, anyway) - communication. Heck, it’s hard to even know what we ourselves want so it's understandable that internalizing someone else's wants, needs, desires, and fears is difficult. But how deep, how empathic, how expansive, can our relationships be if we skip this step?
It’s lazy! It lets you off the hook of asserting your needs to assume that someone should just treat you like they, or furthermore the nonexistent everyman, should be treated. As if there is one universal way to treat people.
When it comes to relationships, we’d be better served to bring curiosity, generosity, and true empathy rather than assumptions based on what we ourselves want.
Enter The Platinum Rule
As it turns out, my hot take is pretty… lukewarm. As I did some research on this topic I'm just a little disappointed that I'm not breaking new ground.
In fact, I learned about the Platinum Rule that someone so beautifully restated as,
“Do unto others as they have explicitly informed you that they want done unto themselves.”
Here’s the new rule of thumb: if you know someone well enough to ask them how they would like to be treated, do that. If not, start with the general barometer of treating them how you (or experience tells you someone like this) would like to be treated.
