Needs Aren’t Selfish: Why Owning Your Needs Sets You Free
Needs: We All Have Them. It’s Time to Embrace Them.
Ever feel guilty about needing something? Well, here’s a follow-up: why? We all have needs—it’s part of being human. But we often minimize them or try to pretend they don’t exist, influenced by societal pressures or others' expectations. The truth is, the first step to living an authentic and fulfilled life is simply recognizing that it’s normal to have needs.
When we acknowledge, understand, and stand by our needs, we align more fully with our true selves, enriching both our personal lives and relationships. Let’s explore why identifying your needs can often be overlooked, and discover practical ways to honor them while respecting the needs of others.
Is Your Relationship Meeting Your Needs?
I recently worked with a client who felt confused about her relationship. She had been dating her boyfriend for eight months, and while she adored him, something felt off. "Shouldn’t a boyfriend text me every day? Or am I asking for too much?" she asked, as if there’s a one-size-fits-all rule for relationships.
We dove deeper, and she realized the real issue wasn’t whether her boyfriend was meeting an external standard, but that she felt empty and frustrated. She was waiting for him to reach out, feeling like she was always chasing his attention.
"I just want to hear from him more," she confessed. At that moment, I pointed out that it wasn’t about what a boyfriend "should" do, but about what she needed—more communication, more connection. Her focus shifted from his behavior to her needs. And that’s the magic: when we center on what we need, it’s liberating.
Needs: The Bedrock of Our Well-Being
Understanding and accepting our needs isn’t just nice to have—it’s essential. When we know what we need and prioritize those needs, we show up more fully in our lives and relationships. Whether it’s the need for connection, peace, or simply autonomy, these needs guide us in making decisions that serve our well-being.
So, why do we sometimes ignore our needs? We might be too focused on pleasing others, avoiding conflict, or simply unsure of what we truly want. But when we return to our needs and honor them, life becomes more aligned with who we are at our core. Let’s break this down.
What Exactly Are "Needs"?
When I say "needs," I’m talking about universal human needs—things like autonomy, connection, meaning, peace, play, and well-being. Of course, not everyone connects to every need in the same way. But the important part is this: it's up to you to figure out what your needs are and how to meet them. We’re not talking about indulgence—we’re talking about nourishment.
How Do You Know What You Need?
This part requires a little self-reflection. Often, we have a vague sense of what we want, or we feel uncomfortable when we don’t get it, but we don’t take the time to dig deeper (see tips below for some practices.) For example, let’s say you have a co-worker who always complains about work, but you value peace and harmony in your workspace. You might feel guilty or extra for wanting to ask them to tone it down, but you need to prioritize your well-being. It’s perfectly okay to set boundaries to ensure your needs are met.
Are My Needs Selfish? Or Just… Me?
One question that often comes up is whether having needs is selfish. My answer? Not at all. Selfishness is when you meet your needs at the expense of others. But you don’t have to sacrifice other people’s needs to honor your own. If you need more connection in a relationship and your partner values autonomy, that doesn’t make either of you wrong. It simply means your needs may not be compatible, and that’s something to navigate with respect.
Being You
Following your needs is short for being true to yourself, and knowing that in every space of your life, you have the right to be you and choose you. Just as we explored with emotional pain, when you fail to listen to your needs, your mental health and well-being will suffer. Let your needs guide you to your thresholds, and define your boundaries.
How to Honor Your Needs (Without the Guilt)
It’s one thing to talk about needs, but how do you actually start honoring them in your daily life? Here are a few practical steps to get you started:
Tune into Your Emotions: Your emotions aren't here just to frustrate you—they are valuable messengers. They exist to tell you something important and urge you to take action. The next time you're feeling something strongly, pause and ask yourself: "What is this emotion telling me about my needs?"
Use a "Needs List" Tool: There are handy resources to help you identify your needs in specific relationships or contexts. This can be a great starting point if you're unsure.
Avoid the Trap of Putting Others First: It’s easy to push your needs aside for the sake of others, especially if you're a parent or a caretaker. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Respect Others' Needs Too: Acknowledge that others are just as resourceful and capable as you are. By setting healthy boundaries, you encourage them to meet their needs while meeting your own.
Live by Your Needs, Set Yourself Free
Living authentically starts with listening to your needs. It’s not selfish—it’s essential. By understanding and honoring what we need, we set ourselves up for healthier relationships, more aligned decisions, and a more fulfilling life. The journey may be complex, but it leads to clarity, confidence, and better well-being. It’s okay to have needs. In fact, it’s necessary.
