Beyond Blame: How to Be Effective in a Sh*tstorm
A Sh*tstorm's A Brewin'
I started writing this blog last year, before the election, which already feels like ages ago—even though it’s only been four months. I mean, it’s STILL WINTER. I originally intended this piece as a reflection on the habit—or at least the tendency—of blaming others for minor frustrations, elements of happiness, or even one’s station in life.
I try to be non-judgmental but folks who blame or complain really get my goat. But even in the syntax of this last sentence, I, too, fall into the blame trap: “Folks who complain” becomes the subject, and I retain the safety of being the passive, injured party whose goat gets gotten.
But let me be clear: today, so many people are in pain through no fault of their own—losing jobs, fearing for their safety, homes, and lives, or just anxious about the rising cost of daily life. We are ALL subject to forces outside our control, whether they’re natural disasters or political crises. And at the same time, we are ALL creators—we have the ability to shift how we relate to the world around us. So, what I want to explore today is what’s beyond blame: both in acknowledging the sh*tstorm life sometimes brews, and in learning how to relate to it most effectively.
The False Comfort of Frustration
Let’s talk about my client “Mark,” shall we? I enjoyed working with Mark because he took the initiative to tackle his mounting frustration—an emotion that was slowly suffocating both his career and marriage. Everything seemed to set him off: the car in front of him stopping at a yellow light, his wife’s way of doing the dishes, and, most of all, his boss.
Mark was a tough nut to crack - blame can evoke anger and frustration, emotions that urge us to take action and can feel oddly empowering. Empowered can be a comforting way to feel when the other choice is feeling disheartened and worried about having to tell the person you love that you might not be getting the bonus your family was counting on.
From Blame to Reclaim
So what helped Mark—and how can this help you? Well, what didn’t help was denying reality. His sales territories were worse than his colleagues’. The red car did slow down his commute. And, as much as I found myself empathizing with his wife, her dishwashing technique was objectively inefficient. These things were suboptimal, and they were simply what was happening.
What shifted things for Mark was letting go of how things should be and accepting them as they were. This freed up his energy to focus on what he could change. His new mantra became: Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?
Once Mark stopped pouring energy into blame and frustration, he had the bandwidth to take proactive steps. He doubled down on client relationships and expanded his network within the company. Soon, client reviews started highlighting the exceptional service they received from him, earning him recognition beyond his direct manager’s influence.
Locus of Control
So how do we actually put this into practice? Simple in theory, hard in reality: let go of the things you can't change, and focus on the stuff that’s within your grasp. In more technical terms, it’s about distinguishing between what’s in your control (your internal locus) and what’s outside of it (the external locus).
Psychologists call this concept “locus of control." People who embrace their internal locus tend to feel more empowered and resilient. Why? Because they see themselves as the ones in the driver’s seat of their own lives, steering the wheel toward change. On the flip side, those who fixate on external forces—things they can’t control—tend to feel powerless and hopeless in difficult situations.
These loci exist on a continuum. No one person will have 100% internal or external locus all the time (enter a sh*tstorm), and practicing the steps below will help you lean more into your internal locus. And just like building a muscle, leaning into your internal locus takes practice, but it’s totally within your power to shift it in your favor.
A Locust, Not a Locus. Cute Nonetheless.
Locating Your Inner Locus
Here are some tips and best practices to help you cultivate your inner locus of control:
Notice blame and frustration: Naturally, anger and frustration can feel kinda good and empowering - that’s just the emotion doing its job. Ask yourself if responding to the anger is serving you, or if it would be effective to practice acceptance. It’s okay to feel frustrated, just don’t let it drive your actions to lead to regret later.
Focus on what you can control: Shift your focus from what others “should” be doing to what you can control. This simple shift turns frustration into action and empowers you to move forward.
Beware of evaluative judgments (Right/Wrong, Good/Bad): Avoid labeling things as right or wrong, both in your noggin and in words. Instead, focus on how you can solve the problem. Let go of judgment to open up more possibilities for action.
Set Clear Boundaries: Boundaries aren’t about controlling others; they’re about protecting your own well-being. If others aren’t respecting your space, communicate your limits.
Some things can’t be changed. Radical acceptance means acknowledging reality without resistance. It’s not about agreeing with the situation, but freeing yourself from the emotional toll of wishing it were different.
Rider on the Storm
Life will always present challenges—whether in relationships, work, or the black fly in your Chardonnay à la Alanis Morissette. The secret isn't trying to control everything, but mastering the art of what we can control. By shifting focus to our own choices, actions, and mindset, we reclaim our power. Life is gonna life, not bend to our will, but we always have the power to choose how we respond.
When we embrace an internal locus of control, set clear boundaries, and practice radical acceptance, we step into a life aligned with our values and priorities. This is the freedom to choose—to act, to let go, to move forward with intention, and to step into the full strength of our inner power.
And that is a choice we get to make every day, no matter what the weather.
