You’re Not Behind in Life. Even if You Think You Are.
Ever find yourself thinking that you’re behind, or that your life doesn't measure up to where others are?
Six years ago, I was stagnant in my job. I felt stuck while friends flaunted private glassed-in offices, jetted off to fancy conferences, and became proficient in corporate jargon. I had been in a similar role for over ten years and the weight of being left behind, the shame of not intentionally steering my career sooner—this loop of low confidence threw off my ability to take steps to find something new.
Today I’ve rounded up some coach friends to talk about — and provide solutions to — the very common feeling of falling behind in life.
Recognize You Are Not Alone:
Rather than anecdotes, here are some stats: Mint, the budgeting app, reported in 2020 that 40% of people surveyed feel they are falling behind in some aspect of life or financial milestone. So no, it’s not just you (or just me.)
“I’m Behind” as a Thinking Trap
Coach Asher Zaccagnini suggests that "I'm behind" is a variation of a ‘Should Statement,’ which is a type of cognitive distortion or thinking trap. It’s that voice that says, "I should be at a certain point in my career by now," or "I ought to have achieved certain milestones by this age."
Challenging "I'm Behind."
Challenge your thinking traps. Take a moment to consider: Who or what is it that you perceive you're behind? What’s the benchmark you’re comparing yourself against?
Coach Peter Piche, says: “We get a lot of messages via all sorts of platforms that there is one right way to live and when we figure it out, we'll be happy.”
Consider examining the benchmarks or standards you’re using to assess your progress; often, it reveals societal or familial scripts that may not align with your values or what you really want.
What’s a Societal Script?
Let me give you an example. A friend who lived in Japan shared about this (hopefully outdated) concept called "Christmas Cake." It's a metaphorical term for unmarried women over the age of 25.
The idea is that a woman not married by 25 is like a Christmas cake left on the shelf after December 25th—considered less desirable or past her prime. Delightful, right?
Now, this might seem a bit outlandish because it's not our societal norm here in the US, but I can assure you, there are similar invisible-yet-influential scripts all around us.
Questioning the Value of the “I’m Behind” Thought Pattern:
Another way to challenge “I’m Behind” is to question what benefit, if any, this thought pattern brings you. Here are questions to ponder:
Does this thought pattern do me any good at all? How does it make me feel – Anxious? Shameful? Self-loathing?
How would it feel to throw away the script?
What, if anything, is this idea doing anything to motivate or support me?
“I’m Behind” As Fear of the Unknown
The human mind is a master answer hunter. We want to make sense of things. That’s part of why change and living in ambiguity are so difficult. We get anxious when things don’t go according to plan, and we spend so much darn time trying to fix it.
A big part of working with feeling behind is acknowledging that at the root of the struggle is control. Often, we are not able to control the timeline and this can be deeply unsettling.
If this resonates, here are some questions to consider:
What about trying to control this timeline has worked? Has it really worked?
What repercussions have the struggle for control had on me and my life?
What might I be losing out on by trying to control this timeline?
Apply Acceptance and Self-Compassion
Acceptance and self-compassion are the Swiss army knives of the personal development world: simple, effective tools for any challenge.
Acceptance isn’t about giving up. Rather, it’s about giving up the struggle with reality. You are where you are in your life. What might be possible if you were able to detach from your perceived timeline? What might you do with the energy you've freed up?
Self-compassion recognizes that you are worthy of warmth and care. Humans are not meant to be perfect, and you are not alone in your struggles. There is nothing wrong with you for not having achieved your milestones, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to achieve them. Can you allow yourself to embrace both with gentleness?
Connect to Your Values & Priorities
Live according to your own values, not someone else's script. Coach SB Rawz recommends examining how your desired timeline aligns with your values. Upon closer inspection, you might find that it doesn't.
Moreover, your values can offer guidance and encourage you to take action to bridge the gaps between where you are now and what you truly desire.
Let's consider the example of SB's client who expressed feeling bad for not being married despite not actively dating. By aligning with her values, she can tap into motivation to overcome challenges and take steps towards dating.
Death Bed Visualization
Another great tip from SB is to use the death bed visualization technique. This involves flashing forward in time and imagining how this moment looks from a wider, future lens. Take a moment to see if and how this changes the way you envision your ideal life. Considering one's life from this distant and more objective perspective can help reshape priorities.
Closing Thoughts: Embrace the Present
When I look back on my life six years ago, I wish I could have whispered to my past self, "Vanessa, please don't worry so much what others are doing." Part of that worry was “real” in that my values were yelling at me to find a new, more challenging career opportunity. However, the shame and discouragement I felt were equally real and really unhelpful.
I encourage you to reflect on your own stories, practice some techniques in this article, and consider speaking with a coach or trusted friend if you find yourself feeling stuck.
Remember, in life's grand narrative, there's no universal, one-size-fits-all timeline for success. The myth of falling behind is a shared human experience, and your unique journey is unfolding precisely as it is.
In the wise words of Coach SB, "You're going to die someday whether you meet the timeline or not - life is passing you by! LIVE IT!"
